Your Most Complex Relationship: You and Your Parents

This might be a controversial one. Well, I guess that’s the whole point of writing sometimes. I don’t mean to create controversy between people, but within ourselves. To challenge our (own?) beliefs. To contemplate what we think to be true. To dare to look at things from a different angle.
 
The other day I made a short video with a simple message: “We are not responsible for the feelings of others.” And vice versa, we cannot make others responsible for our feelings. To take it one step further, we cannot be responsible for the happiness or suffering of another person. At first glance this might sound cold, even selfish. But I believe it is actually one of the most liberating truths we can discover.
 
Relationships are among the most meaningful parts of our lives. In fact, they are probably the greatest contributor to happiness. Yet they can also become incredibly complex. Especially when the expectations of others collide with our own choices. We want to make our partner happy. We want to make our friends proud. We want to make our parents happy. And because we love them, we often try our very best.
 
The problem begins when we lose awareness and start believing that their happiness is our responsibility. This is especially visible in one relationship that no matter where I go or whom I talk to, seems to carry a special kind of complexity: The relationship between parents and their children. And living here in Thailand, I see this struggle everywhere.
 
Before I continue, I want to add a small disclaimer. This is not an attempt to criticize parents, elders, or any culture. Quite the opposite. Living in Thailand has taught me a deep respect for elders that I never really learned growing up in the West. It is something I genuinely appreciate and have embodied over the years. Nor am I trying to tell anyone what is right or wrong. The purpose of this writing is to simply give you food for thought, so that you can at least dare to think in a different way. The purpose is to show the possibility of choice, and to free any young adult who might live trapped, because while they are trying to make their parents happy, they sacrifice their own mission and find themselves lost without purpose. But to an even further extend, the purpose of this writing is to free the parents too, so they can potentially find true happiness, and so that every generation can be happier.
 
To the Children
Many people spend years trying to make their parents proud. They choose the degree their parents wanted. The career their parents recommended. The path that appears safe, logical, respectable, and secure. There is nothing wrong with that. If you genuinely enjoy that path and it aligns with who you are, then wonderful. End of conversation.
 
But what if it doesn’t? What if there is a quiet voice inside of you that keeps whispering that there is something else? A different path. A different dream. A different life.
 
And what if you never pursue it because you are afraid of disappointing your parents? That is where things become interesting. Because now I have to ask: Are you doing this for yourself or in the search of approval? And is there an underlying fear beneath it all to lose that approval. A fear of rejection. A fear of disappointing the people you love most. No child wants to disappoint their parents. It’s completely natural. Our parents are our first heroes. They protected us and supported. They sacrificed for us.
 
Deep down, most of us feel enormous gratitude toward them. Of course we want their approval. But sometimes this creates a subtle and unconscious dynamic. We do what they want because it earns us their love and validation. And they feel reassured because we are doing what they believe is best. Neither side necessarily intends any harm. Yet both become trapped. This is what I would call unconscious manipulation. Not manipulation in a deliberate sense. Simply two people trying to get something from each other without fully realizing it. One seeks approval. The other seeks reassurance. And both become dependent on the outcome.
 
The question is: What is holding you back from breaking free? Usually, the answer is fear. I know this because I have lived it myself. My parents wanted me to continue studying and pursue a more conventional path. When I told them I was moving to Thailand, working in a call center, and later starting a plant-based food company, it wasn’t exactly the dream they had envisioned for me.
 
It took years for my mother to understand that this was my path. My search, my journey, my happiness. And while it wasn’t always easy, I would make the same decision again. Because I believe, everyone has a responsibility to unfold their own potential. To discover who they truly are. To walk the path that calls them.
 
Even if others don’t understand it. Even if it takes years or decades. If you don’t follow that inner calling, something inside slowly begins to die. People become stuck, aimless and finally depressed. Disconnected from meaning, because they abandoned themselves and their dreams.
 
And here’s the irony: Even if you give everything to make your parents happy, there is no guarantee they will be. Perhaps they want the degree. Then the job. Then the promotion, the house, the car. Then something else. Because happiness was never hiding inside those things to begin with. Which brings me to the parents.
 
To the Parents
I am a parent myself. I have two beautiful daughters whom I love deeply. And because of that, I understand the desire to protect your children. To guide them. To prevent them from making mistakes. To help them avoid suffering.
 
But I also wonder: Do parents always know what is best for their children, especially when they grow older? Or do they simply know what seems safest and logical? What worked for them or what society approves of. Most parents genuinely want the best for their children – I don’t question that for a second. But sometimes love becomes mixed with fear. Maybe fear that the child will fail. Or perhaps fear that they will struggle, will get hurt… And perhaps the hardest part of parenting is learning to let go.
 
To allow your children to make their own choices. Their own mistakes. Their own discoveries. Because wisdom cannot be taught. It can only be lived. Experience is not something we can hand over to another person, it must be earned.
 
And so I ask every parent a simple question: “If your child is deeply unhappy, can you truly be happy?” Most parents would answer no. And yet many unintentionally pressure their children to pursue lives that make them unhappy. Why? Because somewhere underneath, there is also a need for certainty. A need to feel that everything is okay, a need to feel proud. A need to know their child is following the “right” path. And while these desires are understandable, they can become a burden when placed upon the child. Because happiness cannot come from your child. Just as it cannot come from your parents. It can only come from within.
 
Perhaps your child was never meant to live the life you imagined. Perhaps they were meant to become something entirely different. Can we love them anyway? Can we trust them enough to discover their own path? Can we support them even when we don’t understand their choices? Can we allow them to be imperfectly perfect, exactly as they are?
 
To All of Us
Let us remember how precious family truly is. Parents, children, siblings. None of them are guaranteed. One day they will be gone. And so perhaps the goal is not agreement but understanding. And I say understanding not because I believe we can ever fully understand another human being. The truth is, we will probably never know exactly what is happening in someone’s heart. We will never fully understand why they make certain choices, what fears they carry, what dreams they hold, or what inner calling they are responding to. But we can make an effort to understand. We can stay curious. Instead of immediately judging someone’s choices, we can reflect and ask ourselves: “I don’t fully understand why they are choosing this path, but there must be a reason.” And perhaps it is this effort of understanding that builds the bridge between us. Because understanding requires compassion. It requires us to step out of our own perspective and, for a moment, stand in the shoes of another person. To see what they value. To feel what they desire and understand what matters to them.
 
Even when we disagree or would choose differently ourselves. When we make that effort, something beautiful happens. Our hearts begin to open and the need to control softens. Judgment gives way to curiosity – and love finds space to shine through.
 
From that place, we can respect another person’s unique journey, even when we cannot fully see where it is leading. And perhaps that is when true support becomes possible. Not because we agree with every choice they make, but because we honor their right to walk their own path.